Good Bye Divorce
I saw a news article recently that got my wheels spinning. The article posed the question, “Should marriage be based on a renewable contract?” When it comes to thoughts to ponder I believe this warrants some serious attention.
I am a divorced man. I find it very painful to say so. To me it is an ugly scar upon my life which I always know is there. I was married for 20 years. How different I would feel if marriage was based on four year contracts and we simply decided not to renew a fifth contract.
Like many novel ideas I can see positive people responding very positively to this idea, and negative people coming up with all sorts of complaints. With divorce so painful and at levels near 50% it should be obvious this marriage business is very difficult.
Are you ready for a life time commitment? Why should you be? We need not promise an employer we will stay at the present job our entire lives.
The focus on marriage as a life time commitment brings an ultimate quality to this one relationship that many will not honestly give and more will find themselves simply unable to sustain. Is it constructive that this much pressure is placed on a single relationship? As people live and grow they inevitably change. For some the changes result in out growing the relationship. No one should feel they are permanently locked in to a particular relationship or with a particular person.
I can see those with a positive outlook on life very happy to renew their marriage contracts every four years. It would be a renewal of their devotion. Churches could honor such occasions with a ceremony. Just as we do not fear loss of our driving privileges every four years there should not be much concern over the renewal process unless there needs to be.
I can see this as marriage evolving into something much more positive. Those who can sustain it for life are welcome to do so and should be well honored by and for their devotion as with other grand accomplishments.
The first serious relationship I had after my divorce was very positive. If marriage as a four year contract was an option we might well have signed on for it. In living out our first four years we might well have decided to renew. But marriage is too all consuming, too hit or miss. We could not invest that kind of total commitment into our relationship at the time, so we parted. I would have been honored to look back on my marriage to her if we decided not to renew. How much more positive to move on than to fail so miserably and condemn ourselves to a stigma I am becoming convinced is unnecessary.
With my current partner I would gladly sign up for a four year marriage contract. I am certain if four year marriage contracts were the norm she and I would be two years into our second term at this time. Instead, we remain single and the question of marriage brings tension.
Four year contract marriages would bring a greater focus on the importance of marriage than currently exists with our all or nothing hit or miss mentality. I believe it would be very healthy to take a look at one’s marriage at least every four years and be able to address whether it is working, needs work, or if it would be a better idea not to renew at this time.
I would expect truly loving couples would welcome four year contracts and look forward to celebrating their fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth marriage renewals.
Those who stand to lose are those who consider marriage as ownership and feel being married gives them rights and authority over their partners. Four year contracts immediately remove tremendous stress from the relationship. Ironically, I would not be surprised if living under less stress allows people to be more open and honest. Couples could deal more honestly and realistically with real issues. I believe people are more fully alive and authentic when they are not placed under such excessive stress as current marriage provides.
In terms of stability for raising children I must emphasize the increased health of living under less stress. Our current marriage concept results in bitter custody battles, abductions, and murder. Four year contracts would mean the health of the marriage is under constant review, and unhealthy tensions do NOT need to continue. Would it not be more special knowing your partner continually chooses to be in the relationship?
If either partner can simply choose not to renew it removes any power struggle. I believe this idea is absolutely pro marriage. It eliminates divorce. Rather than so many people opting out, this idea would remove the pressure that prevents people from opting in. More people could try marriage.
Is there something to hide? Or when more people try marriage under less pressure will they not find that marriage actually is a very good thing?
Of course all sorts of logistics would need to be worked out. Certainly some people would need provisions to be able to opt out early.
The first marriage could be like a first communion. It is a beautiful idea to be joined for life. I’d encourage all couples to give it their best shot as I tried to do. I would rather be able to say I enjoyed marriage with three renewals than to have to identify myself as divorced. I am currently single, and it is directly because four year marriage is not an option.
The honest realities of what goes on in today’s marriages is not something many people would want revealed. I am suggesting whatever is wrong should be addressed every four years instead of not at all. Divorce should no longer be a destructive weapon with which to shoot down people who only tried to love you. In order to be divorced it was necessary for me to appear in court where I was charged with extreme mental cruelty. Society finds amazing ways to blame the victim, and the divorce process is among them. That decent people should be forced to play along with such a charade of character assignation reveals the deeper short comings of this out dated process that governs our lives.
While divorce may bring liberation, that liberation is only necessary because of the life time pressure imposed on the relationship in the first place.
Good bye divorce.
John H. Bidwell
